Funny one-liners
HMS Tax Inspectors: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Unable to Load Operating System Loading Windows instead.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? [Y/N]
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occassion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Oops... My brain just hit a bad sector.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Does My Bum Look Big in This? Click on the Thumbnail image for a larger image.

Return Back to about GVL if that's where you came from

Business /I.T. Relationship building.....in the beginning....
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. .
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Mr Flibble
Red Dwarf - Quarantine Arnold Rimmer contracts the Holovirus and consults his new best friend Mr Flibble (a glove puppet) about everything .....
"Mr. Flibble is Very Cross,
- What Should We Do About This Mr. Flibble"?

Diskette Care and Usage
Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive they should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the redlight is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or hooked state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little drives.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to coverall openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...

You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are child proof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your hard disks before they become too brittle to use.

Chris

- Try to imagine you are in bed ...
- after a visit to your local tavern (The White Bear) ...
- you think someone is breathing next to you !!!
- Somebody is lying next to you, with the covers up to their forehead ...
- Who is that ? ?

Click on the thumbnail for a larger image.

Nicks Travelog
The bloke who CAN sing writes;

Australia - a nice place to visit but would not live there.

Fiji - get scared very easily and get offered prossies the moment you step off the plane.

L.A went to LA on my way to NZ. Did not stay long , but then you don't have to. LA is a good place for a law firm but a dangerous place on yer own.

Panama - i went when i was young , coming from NZ on a big ship called the southern cross (thats the constellation on the NZ flag).I remember getting cuddled lots by mexican type fat women cos i had very very blonde hair , and they just loved it. I bought a hat (but it was far too big) say that last part in a mexican accent and it sounds funny. I probably still have the hat somewhere , it was a sombrero type thing. It was a hot , smelly place (or maybe that was barbados , I don't remember). Anyway , the canal is very long and rather impressive when your only 6 years old . I remember going on a taxi ride (What on the canal! - Ed.)and thats about all.
Germany - lots of snow in winter - fast drivers.
Belgium - nice but expensive.
Holland - Amsterdam - Marvellous place for a stag weekend with Geoff, Chris, Rich, Bungle, Jay and Andy. - (Still waiting for photos from Nov 98)
Gambia - great for a honeymoon if you can handle the local hassle.

The Goons
Left to Right - Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe, Michael Bentine, Peter Sellers and the fifth Goon Steve Browning.